Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes – Find 2020 largest collection of Humor Quotes messages at Believer.com submitted by the user, express your feeling with all the new Humor Quotes text messages of 2016, Humor Quotes Quotes, Wishes, Greetings in Urdu, English & Roman Urdu to send mobile Quotes your friend & family members in Pakistan/India now.

Humor Quotes

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”


“You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.”


“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“Love conquers all,” Aphrodite promised. “Look at Helen and Paris. Did they let anything come between them?”
“Didn’t they start the Trojan War and get thousands of people killed?”
“Pfft. That’s not the point. Follow your heart.”

“Don’t talk to me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret…”

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
“Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”

“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

“Some people have lives; some people have music.”

“I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”

“Mom says it’s because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
“I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”


“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”


“I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”

“Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.”
“Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”

“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”

“What’s this?” he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.
“It’s a girl,” Jace said,recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one.”


“The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”


“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“Basically, I have two speeds…. Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.”

“Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)”

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.”

“Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you’ve – you’ve blown up a toilet or –”
“Blown up a toilet? We’ve never blown up a toilet.”
“Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”

“Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?”

“Don’t Panic.”

“Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.”

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”


“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.”


“Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.”

“It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.”


“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Oh well… I’d just been thinking, if you had died, you’d have been welcome to share my toilet.”

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”


“Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!”

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”


“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”


“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”


“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”

“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.”

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”


“Why were you lurking under our window?”
“Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?”
“Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
“Listening to the news! Again?”
“Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry.”

“I’m not going to wear a red dress,” she said.
“It would look stunning, My Lady,” she called.
She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. “If there’s anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I’ll hit him in the face.”


“Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die.”

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”


“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”

“Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.”


“Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”


“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check if I’m happy…”

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”


“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.”

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

“So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.”
“I’m a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

“Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?”
“I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.”


“I’ll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from ‘almost extinct’ to ‘not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.’ Will that make you happy?”

“I’m saying that I’m a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you’re okay with that, because it’s who I am, and you’re what I need.”


“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”


“What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?”